On the Tarp

He tried to initiate today. It worked. I'm happy. :)

I Do Not Know What To Write

Ello there! And how art thou on this fine night? I am good. Thanks for asking. Just blogging in the dark at 9:48pm. Not much to report except I'm on Facebook as usually. Oh how my life will end if it ever crashes...If that ever happens, back to Hotmail I go! Blog blog blog, today was an okay day, nothing extraordinary happened. Morning swim, volunteer, Facebook, nap, swim...same old routine. Not that I'm complaining. Blah blah blah...just pretend that I wrote something deep and wordy back there. No one will ever know!


I wonder what I'll dream of tonight. I don't remember my dreams in detail. But I know what I'll be thinking about right before I fall asleep. Always, every night, same thing... I'm starting to wonder if it's conscious thing or not...I doubt it...my mind just instantly jumps to those memories every chance that I let it. It's stupid really, the musings of a teenaged girl right before bed...I certainly hope no one knows what I'm talking about except one, but oh well...(9:57pm) I have probably given too much away already...

It is currently two to ten and tomorrow morning I have morning swim practice to attend to. One minute til ten...Blog blog blog...This post has been sub-par.

Good night. I love you.

Another Ending?

"She said she just doesn't want me getting hurt."

Reasonable request, but how realistic does that seem? There are more ways to getting hurt than just me breaking his heart. Ways like an end to our only means of seeing one another...I know if it happens the way it seems to be, then I'll be hurt as well...hurt, but with hope that there's a light at the end of the tunnel...but does it justify his future sadness as well? There was once a time when I thought so...a different lifetime when it felt like everything was worth it in the end. There was once a time when I believed that there were suitable sacrifices to be made and tears that were worth shedding over a future that didn't end up happening...Could this be the case again? Is there really anything worth just one moment of hurt? I wish I could say yes, but past events have forced me to answer with a negative. There's nothing that's worth seeing him in pain. But my control only goes so far, and there are things beyond it that determines which path our lives will take. All the options that I see before me, all the paths that seem to be unfolding...none of them seem too optimistic except the one with the least chance of happening.

All I can do is wait and hope.

Blog

It is currently 9:35pm and I am bored. My love just signed off and I have nothing to do except wait for tomorrow. Okay that is a huge lie. I could be cleaning my room, eating food, going to sleep early, reading the last book of the Hunger Games, screwing around on Youtube, reading the bible, doing devotions...but none of that calls to me. I just want to blog about my life because it's what I do...[9:37pm] so tomorrow, I have no morning swim practice. YAY!!. But I am also missing afternoon practice to attend my cousins birthday party. I think my mother and sister don't approve of my swimming so often, which is truly unfortunate because I definitely don't. (My love's back! YAY! But I shall keep blogging) And yeah...oh well...something else that's attacking my mind currently is the weird thing going on between my love's mom and me...which is really weird...I do not know what is happening, but it doesn't seem to be positive. Honestly, I just think she has a staple bias...that since I have decided to fall for him, she's just gonna be that much more critical on me. I wonder if she thinks I'm stealing him away from her...which is a horribly ridiculous idea...he's her son...[9:44pm] There's not much damage I could do there...not that I'd want to...if it was a me vs. her thing, I'd forfeit...I'd still love him and I wouldn't give him up, but I'd forfeit. I'd let her do whatever she wanted, think whatever she wanted to...and be an oyster...
Am I over analyzing this? No, I'm a girl...it's what I do. But while I'm on the topic (I certainly hope my anxiety is entertaining you)...I'm still scared of her. She's amazingly intimidating. I could just imagine having a conversation with her that turned into a total interview.If it comes to that, I certainly hope I pass.
I'll be prepared. I don't think she trusts me with her darling beloved son...Oh well...what can I do. Be a suck up and exclaim how wonderfully her nails are done and comment on her new dangly earrings? Screw that. I would hate myself even if that did work.

F.R.M.L.

Hey there, I think you're really hot.

No One's Going To Believe Me.

But I don't care.


I love you.

Analyzations: Faith

Had my parents not forced me to start attending FVCHS/SCS, and I was still with my illegit, atheist, waste-of-potential, lazy ass boyfriend (trust me, he agrees with me...not that he doesn't have any good points...)...I am almost 100% sure that I wouldn't be a follower of Christ right now. How could I accept that the one I loved would be going to Hell and suffer in the place where there will be "weeping" and "gnashing of teeth" (gnashing of teeth?!). Also, thanks to Bible class...I've learned a lot more about faith and where I can fit into that picture. Unlike what some people would think, it's not all "Be a Christian or you're going to Hell" at this school. It's actually more about exploration and choices. I just happened to have picked the one where I have something to believe in and something to live for.


Nothing matters but Him, but because of Him, everything matters.