Music

If there was a surefire way that I could have a career in music and have some security in it...I would totally go for it...but I'm too scared. Too afraid. I shy away from the discipline of it and I get discouraged in the face of people who are better than me. You know why they are better than me? Because they practice and I don't! that is why. I wish I practiced. I wish it was something I made time for. I wish I was sucked on to the interwebs. You know what I am going to change that. I am going to make something of myself and I am going to enjoy it.
I feel like a poo.

Time

Tonight, I have realized that I waste a lot of time. And that my planning skills suck. I find myself constantly captivated by Facebook and the trivial musings of my 'friends' when I could be and should be using my time to call up post secondary institutions and applying at lifeguard jobs. I find that one of my biggest problems is discipline.
My future seems like a big question mark. Well, not all of it, but just the career path. I really wish that I had just dived into a portfolio making program or that I started calling up institutions more and finding out more information about things like that. Now, I just find myself being sad and feeling behind and unaccomplished. I'm no closer to my desired destination in life than I was a year ago.

My boyfreiend, says that I have time to think about my future and I don't need to start making decisions right now, but really.. I do... Either I make decisions about that school I go to what courses I'm taking or I just quit school altogether. Let's be honest here, I am not fully interested in my english classes and general studies shit. It's just something that I can do to not seem that I'm slacking in life...to seem like I'm on my way to some place great. And I really don't have much time to figure out my life because if all goes to plan, I'll be having kids in my mid 20's which leaves me around half a decade before I have to dedicate my life to my babies!!! *sigh* stupid me.

Another thing that bothers me which shouldn't is tuition cost. I'm afraid of a big price tag. I have never been raised to roll around in green stuff or spend it on anything other than necessities. But now, I'm realizing that I'll either sacrifice my dream career or a couple thousand dollars for a less that optimum job that'll help keep my future family afloat. Or worse, I'll get stuck in some office job that I do not completely enjoy and I'll regret not spending that 30k on the future I crave. I mean, right now, I guess I understand why it scares me.. I have no money. But if I envision myself a decade from now with a life that is less that amazing... and yearning for that job that I don't have...and will no longer have the time to run after... the way I see it right now at 4:31am on a sunday morning is that right now, I've got nothing to lose.


I am so frazzled. And so ignorant. I have no idea where I'm headed in life.

Changing

Things are changing. Life is changing. Life is happening...and I'm scared.
But excited in a way as well.
But I'm more scared...what's gonna change? am I going to be able to let go of the people who choose to let go of me? Am I going to be happy with my situation in life in ten years time? Or am I just going to be filled with regret. Only the Lord knows and it's him where I put my trust in. So I guess I shouldn't worry but I lay my life in the hands of the Lord. Still...I wish I knew his plan.

5:24pm

:)

You know what? Sometimes...I like chocolate.

Boyfriend

I have one.
The end.

Guy hopping.

I don't wanna be that girl.

Good Bye High School

The relationship we shared was great. I had many memories made with you. But it's over now. Time to move on. but no matter how easy it seems that it should be, it's not. I'm going to miss you a lot high school. :(


High school is over. It's done. I'm gonna miss it a lot. But I must focus on the future... New things will happen now. Like Kwantlen... and more chilling with buddies. It is summer after all. And I have graduation to still look forward to. :)
also, all the people from high school that I probably won't end up keeping in touch with... those are the people that just weren't meant to be in my life long term. And that shouldn't be a sad thing.

Siphon

So...

Plan A: The Moving House
Live in a car because we're too poor to own a house in the Lower Mainland. Your mom gets to live in the trunk,andthe kids get the back seat. Since I'm sick all the time, you'll drive me to the hospital in our house because you don't knowhow to take care of me....or make real food...Speaking of food, where are we gonna eat??? On the hood of the car? :/
OH. andwe'll be too poor to afford gas so...we'll have to siphon gas from neighbours....or just other people..since we won't live in a neighbourhood. oh my.

Plan B: An Actual House
So incase we actually have the poor luck to actual have a house....we're getting a hot tub. But only for the pre-child stage because if we have a kid, we'll probably be too busy to enjoy the hot tub...Also,we get no satellite or cable or whatever...but we'll just have like..some sort of device to watch les films on. Or we could have a mini theatre with a projector and stuff...heheheh.

my latest fashion love

perfect for the summer.. Mmm....teal is a good color. I just love the simplicity and the neatnes. It's cute, flirty ;) haha I'm completely in love with it. COME TO ME!!

PromGirl: Another Pretty Dress

I love the shoulders and the color and the laceeeee. .Mmmmmmm. If only I had money

Cause apologies work

Cause you know....the thing is....when you screw up, people generally appreciate when you apologize and most of the time, it makes everything better.
Cause apologies work.

Things I dislike

When people make me feel inferior.

LULUS:dresses

I just really like this color palate..mmmmm

and I'd like that hair too. pwease?

WEDDING DRESSS

I like it....a lot.

I like this dress. I would like it.

Pretty dress. I like it a lot. It's a lot about the plain and simple design with the interesting print. and then you turn around and it's like....WHOA. yeah... i'd like it.

I like my style. hehe.
Please?? :P

Crying

I've never cried so much in the span of 4 days.

I like crying. It doesn't make me feel weak. I don't care about it anymore. I don't care who sees me crying anymore.

I feel melancholy and nostalgic

...
No words...

Tired.

Going to europe in a couple of days. hmmm

In The Chapel

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing
Praise to the King of Kings
You are my everything
And I will adore You

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and glory and power be
to You the only wise King

A girl.

She is in the eleventh grade and has a more rougher background then some. She's gentle and kind. I don't know her very well. But this year, I decided to make someone's day on Valentine's day and turns out it was her. Through a very very clever plan of buying a flower-gram-o-thingy-matic- via student council, I wrote her three poetic sentences, small and simple, and I hoped that it'd make her smile. Kept things anonymous...

So I didn't get a chance at all to see her today, but by the looks of her facebook status, I think I dun pree good. :)








golly... hope she doesn't read this.

OHai!

I like you! You are COOOOL. I vant to chill. With you! In the fridge.


(hehe, get it? CHILL in the FRIDGE?)


:)

Grade 12: February 9th 2012

My life is extremely busy. That's what comes with being involved in so many things. So much to remember, so much to do... It all gets so tiring. So, so, so tiring. I'm not sure I remember what it was like when I went home after school and did nothing all day. I no longer have that luxury. I stay after school 3 out of the five days. On Friday night, I go volunteering at the pool. Saturdays are filled from 1:30pm til the night and Sunday, oh Sunday.....

It's okay. I'll be fine. I am fine. Grad year. Teehee.

Our Plan.

Step 1. Stick it out.
Step 2. Get married or else sticking it out would have been a great waste of time.

Silly Me

She's a Cutter

For the person in agony



-------------------------------------------------------

That first night, blood dripped
It felt so free
The harm she's done
Why can't she see?

Outside, so beautiful
"Life's great, no lies"
But I can see, I can hear
the soul that cries

Stalks up to her room
the blade is in her hand
To stop seeing red
She cuts away, and it feels grand

Hugs herself in the night
But she won't let those eyes cry
"Tears are for the weak" she says...
"I'd rather die"

"Who the fuck gives a shit?
"I see no hands raised
"I wanna wreck myself inside
"And for these actions, I'm praised"

"No one else is getting hurt
"what I'm doing isn't wrong"
But if only she knew
that I was writing this song...

Because I love her so much
and can't watch scars being made
If I could take her place for her
I'd gladly make the trade

I just need her to know
Life isn't always about "staying strong"
And held to human flesh
is not where a knife belongs

So I'm screaming "Please...stop!"
But she just can't hear
To words like "I care" and "You're beautiful"
She's deaf in the ear

But how can I stand by
and watch this tragedy take place
Someone has to take action
before it's her death we all face

...Maybe what she deals with
I just can't understand
But in case she chooses to jump
I'll have a safe spot for her to land.

I'm In Love

So I got to thinking about life and all that... and I've realized that I love a lot of people. But knowing that I love them and having them know that I love them isn't enough.

I have to do something about it. I have to act.

What am I gonna do when one of them rushes to me for help? What am I gonna say when they desperately need some advice?
I've realized a pattern in my ways. I never tell them the answer.

Because I don't have the answer.
Who the hell am I to know what's right and wrong for someone else? I can only answer that for myself.
My pattern is that...I always ask them what they want to do...how they feel...what feels right for them...what will make them happy?

Because I learned awhile ago...Love isn't ever about yourself. It's not about how THEY make YOU feel...It's all about how you want them to feel. What you're willing to sacrifice for them to make them happy, for their sake and not for your own gratification.

That's why the crucifixion is such a perfect demonstration of what love is. That's why it's caused so much craziness...

The prime example of complete and unadulterated love. Laying down your life for someone else'.

I'm in love. And I'd hope that if the opportunity ever presented itself that I should be able to give up my own for those I love... I'd take it.

Tired

I'm so very tired. Absolutely exhausted.

I'm not the sharpest tool in the box.

I have now officially lost both of my USB ports.

='(