Music

If there was a surefire way that I could have a career in music and have some security in it...I would totally go for it...but I'm too scared. Too afraid. I shy away from the discipline of it and I get discouraged in the face of people who are better than me. You know why they are better than me? Because they practice and I don't! that is why. I wish I practiced. I wish it was something I made time for. I wish I was sucked on to the interwebs. You know what I am going to change that. I am going to make something of myself and I am going to enjoy it.
I feel like a poo.

Time

Tonight, I have realized that I waste a lot of time. And that my planning skills suck. I find myself constantly captivated by Facebook and the trivial musings of my 'friends' when I could be and should be using my time to call up post secondary institutions and applying at lifeguard jobs. I find that one of my biggest problems is discipline.
My future seems like a big question mark. Well, not all of it, but just the career path. I really wish that I had just dived into a portfolio making program or that I started calling up institutions more and finding out more information about things like that. Now, I just find myself being sad and feeling behind and unaccomplished. I'm no closer to my desired destination in life than I was a year ago.

My boyfreiend, says that I have time to think about my future and I don't need to start making decisions right now, but really.. I do... Either I make decisions about that school I go to what courses I'm taking or I just quit school altogether. Let's be honest here, I am not fully interested in my english classes and general studies shit. It's just something that I can do to not seem that I'm slacking in life...to seem like I'm on my way to some place great. And I really don't have much time to figure out my life because if all goes to plan, I'll be having kids in my mid 20's which leaves me around half a decade before I have to dedicate my life to my babies!!! *sigh* stupid me.

Another thing that bothers me which shouldn't is tuition cost. I'm afraid of a big price tag. I have never been raised to roll around in green stuff or spend it on anything other than necessities. But now, I'm realizing that I'll either sacrifice my dream career or a couple thousand dollars for a less that optimum job that'll help keep my future family afloat. Or worse, I'll get stuck in some office job that I do not completely enjoy and I'll regret not spending that 30k on the future I crave. I mean, right now, I guess I understand why it scares me.. I have no money. But if I envision myself a decade from now with a life that is less that amazing... and yearning for that job that I don't have...and will no longer have the time to run after... the way I see it right now at 4:31am on a sunday morning is that right now, I've got nothing to lose.


I am so frazzled. And so ignorant. I have no idea where I'm headed in life.

Changing

Things are changing. Life is changing. Life is happening...and I'm scared.
But excited in a way as well.
But I'm more scared...what's gonna change? am I going to be able to let go of the people who choose to let go of me? Am I going to be happy with my situation in life in ten years time? Or am I just going to be filled with regret. Only the Lord knows and it's him where I put my trust in. So I guess I shouldn't worry but I lay my life in the hands of the Lord. Still...I wish I knew his plan.

5:24pm

:)

You know what? Sometimes...I like chocolate.

Boyfriend

I have one.
The end.